Handsome
by Wakkowarnerlover
Summary: Having used up the rest of his extra money on paying for a security agent to help Perry continue visiting his pups, Perry is unable to help Phineas and Ferb fund their projects. The boys enter him in a beauty contest in hopes of winning funds, but when Perry changes up his appearance a bit to boost their chances, Phineas is upset with the change.
1. Chapter 1

"Look how much money I have left for this month." Perry slammed a few bills down on the table.

Darren the duck counted them. "Twenty-eight dollars? Wow. I guess it's a good thing you don't have to buy yourself food and shelter. What did you blow all of your cash on?"

"Randy."

"Randy the reindeer? Did you lose a bet with him or something?"

"You think a security agent would make a bet? No way. I had to pay him to oppose Ernest the eagle."

"Oh that's right. Agent E's in some kind of debate, isn't he?"

"Yep. He's debating against me being able to see my pups ever again. Randy's agreed to fight for me. The whole agency is invited to watch. Whoever wins the cute little debate decides the fate of my children."

"That's kind of harsh."

Perry shrugged. "If Randy loses, do you think he'll give me my money back?"

"Why did you choose Randy out of all the security agents?" Darren asked.

"He gave me a nod once when I walked past him. He's the friendliest one I've met so far."

"Wow. Do you need any help?"

"With what?"  
"Just with anything."

Perry shook his head. "Nope. I can last a month without cash."

* * *

Phineas looked bored out of his mind. He was sitting under his favorite tree next to Ferb, and Perry sat in his lap.

"We could build a submarine out of it."

"Don't have any glass." Ferb said.

Perry looked at where Phineas had been gesturing. A few metal parts were sitting in the backyard.

"We could build a submarine with no glass to see out of… oh, that's lame!" Phineas slammed his head against the tree trunk as he leaned back. "OW!"

Ferb ignored him. He was reading a book.

"You know what? I'm sick of this. Let's just pile the iron beams on top of each other and make modern art."

Ferb yawned.

Phineas sighed. "I know. Boring."

"Hey Phineas!" Isabella entered the yard. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Not much." Phineas admitted. "We don't have a lot to work with today."

"Why not?"

Phineas didn't answer her question. Instead, he held Perry up. "He's better now."

"Oh, good! Does he have stitches?"

"Yep. They're on his belly."

"Can I see?"

"Sure." Phineas tried to roll Perry over. Perry growled at him. "Oh, come on, boy. Show Isabella. Look, see? Right there in that little shaved area on his tummy."

Isabella looked. "Wow. That's impressive."

"The stitches will fall out by themselves." Phineas said.

"Please put me down now." Perry grumbled.

Phineas set Perry down on the ground. Perry sat down next to Ferb and repeatedly slammed his tail against the tree trunk in anger.

Ferb pulled a platypus treat out of his pocket and secretly fed it to Perry to calm him down.

"…I don't know." Phineas was saying. "Usually it never runs out. But when the guy came and brought that steel beam over there, it was just gone."

"Wow. Well, I guess long-lasting things never last forever."

"Guess not." Phineas said. "Ferb and I are going to devise a way to find more. Then we can build the flying swimming pool."

"Cool. Let me know when that is." Isabella waved to them and left.

"What are you out of?" Perry asked.

"Money for materials." Phineas said. "Usually our piggybanks are always filled to the brim every single day. But today we ran out."

"Oh. Gosh. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"No, it is. I've been filling up your banks ever since I started earning money. I knew you used it for projects, so I refilled them every night. But I don't have any extra money this month." He handed Phineas some bills. "Here. Twenty-eight bucks."

"That won't be enough, but thank you." Phineas tried to give it back.

"Keep it. It may come in handy. How much are you short?"  
"Well, with the twenty-eight dollars, we need one hundred and eleven."

"Huh. Why don't you sell lemonade or something?"

"We'd have to buy lemons and cups and sugar… maybe we can win some money. Ferb, look up competitions currently running in Danville."

Ferb stood up and went inside to go check the computer.

"I'm sorry I made you show Isabella your stitches." Phineas said softly.

"It's okay. Just ask me next time."

* * *

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." Perry put a few papers down in front of Randy. "So what are we going over again? Besides these random drawings you told me to bring?"

"Not very professional-looking today, are we?" Randy said coldly.

"Sorry. I didn't have time to shave. So, what are we doing?"

Randy sighed. "I will ask you a few questions so I will know what arguments I can use in the coming debate."

"Okay. Perfect. And the drawings?"

"Are to see how your offspring value you."  
"Okay. Go ahead. Ask me."

Randy stared at him.

"Um… ask me… sir?"

"How many children do you have?"

"Four. But two of them are twins. So… do they count as one?"

"No. What are their names?"  
"Palmer, Pamela, Paisley, and Peppily. But their nicknames are Pal, Pam, Pay and Pe-"

"Did you plan on having these children beforehand?"

"Uh… well…" Perry blushed.

"Yes or no. One-word answer."

"Well, not exactly."

"One word."

"No."

"All right, then." Randy said. "On an average, how many times a week do you see your children?"

"Once every other week. Is that a valid answer?"

"Do your children appear to harbor any anger towards you?"

"No. They're always happy to see me."

Randy wrote something down. Then he picked up the pictures. He held one up for Perry to see. "What do you think this means?"

It was a crayon drawing of a baby platypus standing next to an older platypus. "I LOV DADI" was printed across the bottom in pink marker.

"I think it means Pam loves me. But it's hard to tell, isn't it?"

"And this one?" Randy held up another one. This one was pretty much the same, except it said "I LOVE DADDY AND THINGS THAT BREAK AND THINGS THAT CRASH AND MAKING THINGS BREAK AND MOMMY AND COWS AND HORSES" on the bottom.

"I think that means Palmer drew that one." Perry said.

"I think I have enough now to put together a good argument." Randy collected the drawings and his papers and put them into a backpack. He stood up and saluted Perry.

Perry returned the gesture.

Randy started to leave, but he turned back at the last moment. "I think we have a chance here. And I hope we win. It's cruelty to keep any good person from their family." He smiled.

Perry smiled back.

Randy quickly switched his expression back to an intimidating glare. Security agents couldn't risk a smile.

"Don't get into trouble." He said.

* * *

Perry was lying on the couch.

"Move." Candace said.

"Make me." Perry chattered.

Even though Candace was unable to understand Perry, she picked him up and tossed him on the floor anyway. Perry's feet hurt when they hit the ground.

"Stay off. I don't want the couch to get fur all over it." Candace brushed a few teal hairs off of the cushions. They floated lazily into the air. "Jeremy's coming over to watch a movie, and everything has to be perfect."

Perry jumped up and bit her skirt.

"EEK! PHINEAS AND FERB! YOUR UGLY SMELLY PLATYPUS IS TRYING TO EAT ME ALIVE!"

Phineas ran into the living room and pulled Perry off of Candace. "He's just playing with you, Candace. He likes you."

"He doesn't when she kicks him off the sofa." Perry said.

"Candace, you wouldn't let him be on the sofa?" Phineas asked.

"What? How did you- never mind. He was getting hair all over it!"

"Candace, he has every right to the sofa. He's a member of the family."

Candace mumbled something inaudible and stormed upstairs.

Phineas stroked Perry. "I wonder what's gotten into her. She's not usually this grumpy."  
"Oh, yes she is."


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, buddy." Phineas put a bowl down in front of Perry. "Here are some nice, juicy worms!"

Perry looked at him suspiciously. "It's not dinnertime yet."  
"I just thought you'd like some worms. You know, since we love each other so much and would do anything for each other."

"All right. What do you want?"

"Ferb found a competition online that's in our area. If you win, you get one hundred and thirty dollars. That's more than enough for us. And this is the only competition we found that we could actually enter. The other ones we found were either impossible, illegal, or just plain wrong."

"Congratulations. So you're entering?"

"Well… yeah. It's our only hope for the flying swimming pool."

"Science competition? Invention competition?"

"Uh… beauty competition."

"So, you're entering Candace?"

"It's not exactly… for humans."

"Oh, so this is what the worms are for."

"No, we wouldn't enter the worms-"

"I was being sarcastic. You gave me the worms because you thought it would up your chances of me allowing you to enter me."

"Yes. Please?"

"Phinny, I love you. But I don't do those kinds of things."  
"Why not? It's just a local competition."

"You know who those competitions are for? Prissy, snooty show dogs and pets whose owners assume they're adorable."  
"Please, Perry?"

"And even if I did let you enter me. I haven't got a chance. I'm not a purebred cat or dog. I'm a weird mammal only found in zoos or Australia. One of two species that lay eggs."

"But you're cute."

"Aw, thanks. But no. I don't like getting all spruced up and being judged for it. It's disgusting, anyway. People look good the way they are. We don't need competitions to prove it."

Phineas sighed. "Okay. Sorry. I guess we can find something else..."

"Fine." Perry huffed. "This just goes to show you I really WILL do anything for you."

Phineas gave him a hug. "Thanks, Perry! I'll tell Ferb. He'll be so happy! Thank you so, so, so, so much!"

"You're welcome. Notice how I said 'You're welcome' instead of 'No problem' or 'Anytime'."

"I love you, buddy." Phineas said.

* * *

"We could tie a bandanna around his neck." Ferb said.

"Yeah. Or we could give him a bowtie." Phineas said.

"Look, guys." Perry sat up from where he had been rolling around in the grass. "You don't need to worry about that. I'll take care of that stuff. You guys just have fun until the competition. I'll get the O.W.C.A groomer to do something. I don't really want to make any dramatic changes, but if it's less likely we'll win if I don't..."

"No, no. We like you just the way you are." Phineas said. "We don't want to change a thing."

Ferb nodded in agreement.

Perry rolled in the grass some more.

"Anyway, all you really need is a bath." Phineas said.

Ferb picked up the garden hose and started spraying Perry with it. Perry jumped around in the grass. He liked being sprayed with the hose.

"Look at this setting, Ferb." Phineas twisted the hose nozzle so that the water came out in rapid spurts.

"What are you two doing?" Candace demanded, coming out into the backyard.

"Giving Perry a bath." Phineas said. "We're entering him in a pet competition."

"That's just making him dirtier!" Candace said. "The ground underneath him is turning to mud! Look!"

Perry splashed in the mud. It got on his paws, tail, and on Candace.

"EEW." Candace said.

"Don't worry, Candace. We'll wash it off." Phineas sprayed Candace with the hose.

"AAAGGH!" Candace ran into the house. "AS SOON AS MOM GETS HOME, I'M BUSTING YOU!"

Phineas jumped into the mud with Perry. Ferb aimed the hose at the two of them.

Phineas laughed and cuddled Perry, getting more mud on his face.

* * *

"Can I have my sammich now?" Paisley asked.

"Coming." Perry slapped some tomatoes between two pieces of bread and handed it to Paisley. "You're sure that's all you want on it?"

"Uh huh." Paisley took the sandwich and started chewing on it.

"When do you think your mom will get back?" Perry asked Palmer.

"She said around four." Palmer said.

"Well, it's almost four now."

Palmer took the milk jug out of the fridge and poured hot sauce into it.

"Pal, cut it out."

Pamela clutched onto Perry's leg. "I am a flea that won't ever ever come off."

"Yes, yes you are." Perry dragged himself and Pamela into the dining room.

"PEPPIWY PUT HIS SAMMICH ON MY HEAD!" Paisley wailed, running up to Perry. He had mayonnaise dripping down his face.

"No, he is wying." Peppily said. "He's not Paiswey, he's Peppiwy. An he putted his own sammich on his head."

"No I didn't! My sammich haded tomatoes!"

Perry bent down and wiped Paisley's face off with a napkin. "Calm down. Pep, leave your brother alone."

"But he called my sammich eewie!"

"Even if he calls your sandwich… what you just said, that's no excuse for slapping it on his head."

"Actually, it is an excuse." Palmer said. "It's just not a very good one."

"Not helping." Perry growled.

Paisley grabbed hold of Perry's free leg and started sucking his thumb.

"That's an awesome picture!" Palmer said. "I'm going to get my camera!"

"GERONIMO!" Peppily jumped off of the dining table and landed on Perry's head.

They all toppled over. Peppily pinned Perry's arms down. "I catcheded you."

Poppy came in through the side door.

"…Help?" Perry said weakly.

"All right, you three. Get off of him."

"No. He is my teddily bear." Paisley said.

"He is my captiwve." Paisley said.

"He is my host. And I am his flea." Pamela said.

"Let go."  
The three platypups let go. Perry stood up and brushed himself off.

"Sorry it took me so long." Poppy said. "Thank you for looking after them."

"Welcome."

"Where's Palmer?"

"He went to get his camera or something. By the way, you won't want to use that milk in the fridge."

"Did he put hot sauce in it again?"  
Perry nodded.

"How have things been going?"

"Good. Things are good."

Palmer came up behind Poppy. "Gosh, mom. I keep telling ya! If you want to ask him out, ASK him! Don't just mumble!"

Poppy and Perry froze.

"Awkward." Pamela sang.

"Um… I should get home." Perry said.

Poppy nodded quickly.

"Come back soon!" Peppily said. "And bwing more sammiches!"

* * *

Perry tapped on Sam Sideblow's shoulder. Sideblow was talking on the phone and hadn't noticed him when he came in.

Sideblow had been the groomer at the O.W.C.A for years, but Perry hardly ever saw him except on rare occasions. Sideblow had treated him for fleas once, but that was about the only interaction they'd ever had.

"Yes, I know it's going to be expensive." Without turning around, Sideblow waved Perry aside. "But that shouldn't be your concern. I want eighty-seven bottles of Golden Beauty shampoo. You give me the shampoo, I give you the money. How fast can you send them? Okay? Good. Thank you." Sideblow hung up and turned to face Perry. "Oh, hello Perry. I haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?"

Perry shrugged.

"So-so? Yes, I know, pumpkin. Same with me. What brings you here? Are the fleas back?"

Perry pointed at Sideblow's appointment book.

"Making an appointment? Yes, yes." He handed him the book. "Choose a date for me, please. And what needs to be done? Shampoo? Trim? Just write it down."

Perry obeyed and gave him back the book. Sideblow looked at it.

"Hm. Entering a competition based on appearance, I see. We'd better give you the works. You're already very good-looking, but I can definitely improve on you."

Perry wasn't sure whether he should take that as a compliment or an insult.

"Gustav? Would you be willing to help me with this one in a few days?" Sideblow called.

A tall man with a long mustache appeared from behind a curtain. He scrutinized Perry. "That is what you are working with?" He demanded in a thick French accent. "Well, I suppose all art does begin with a blank sheet of paper."

Perry rolled his eyes. He could already tell that Gustav wasn't going to be his favorite.

"You'll assist, won't you?" Sideblow asked. "Or should I call in Colette?"

At the name "Colette", Gustav's mouth twitched into a frown. "No. That will not be necessary. I will help where I can."

"Wonderful." Sideblow pushed his golden bangs out of his eyes and handed his appointment book to Gustav. "I'll see you on the date you chose."

* * *

"That's right, guys! I'm here with Kendrine Adems, famous singer and actress!" Said a man on television. "Now, Kendrine, what was the inspiration for your very first single?"

"Well, one day, I just thought 'Oh Yeah!' and I knew that was like, totally perfect. But I couldn't figure out what should come next. So then, weeks later, I thought 'Uh Huh!' and it like, hit me. It was so amazing."

"I'd like to hit her." Perry said.

"We can change the channel if you want." Phineas said.

"Thank you."

The channel was changed.

"And now, the singing gopher show! La la la la la la la, la la la la la la la!"

Perry rolled over on Phineas's lap, exposing his belly.

"I can't rub you there." Phineas said.

"Why not? My stitches are probably going to fall out tomorrow."

"I don't want to pet your stitches. It's creepy."

"Then pet around them."

"There's no fur there!"

"Then pet where there's fur. I don't care what you do. Just pet me."

Phineas smiled. He stroked the area around Perry's stitches.

Perry purred happily.

"I'm happy you're here." Phineas said.

"When am I not here?"

"When you're working."  
"Well, in that case, I'm happy I'm here too."

Phineas hugged him.


	3. Chapter 3

Perry stared at Candace.

Candace was asleep. Any minute now, she would wake up.

Perry went as close to her face as he dared.

Candace opened her eyes.

"3… 2… 1…" Perry thought.

"PHINEAS AND FERB! YOUR UGLY SMELLY PLATYPUS IS IN MY ROOM AGAIN!"

Perry chattered innocently.

"You." Candace accused.

"Me." Perry responded.

Phineas and Ferb came into Candace's room. Ferb picked Perry up.

"Guess what, Candace?" Phineas said. "We're going to Mr. Slushie Burger for lunch today!"

"Yippee." Candace grumbled.

"You'll get to see Jeremy."

"Jeremy?" Candace hopped out of bed. "Oh my gosh! I have to get ready!"

"But lunch isn't until noon." Phineas said.

"I have to get ready NOW!" Candace yelled as she ran down the stairs.

"Okay then." Phineas said.

"I will never understand teenage girls." Ferb said.

* * *

"I told you not to give them anything that could be sprayed around."

Perry looked up from his book. "Oh, hi Poppy."

"You gave them spray cheese." Poppy said.

"They were hungry. I figured they'd have fun squirting it in their mouths."

"They didn't squirt it in their MOUTHS." Poppy dragged him into the kitchen.

The entire kitchen table was orange. Paisley and Peppily were rubbing their hands in the cheese on the table. Pamela was licking it. Palmer was standing on top of the table, dancing. He made footprints in the cheese mush.

"Hi, mommy!" He said.

"Look on the bright side. At least one of them is eating it." Perry said.

"You all need to clean this up right now." Poppy said firmly.

"Pamela's the one who sprayed it." Palmer said, doing the moonwalk.

"I don't care. You need to clean it up NOW." She turned to Perry. "DON'T EVER give them anything they can use against the furniture."

"That kind of narrows it down to only a couple of objects." Perry said.

"We maded you a pwesent." Paisley said. He handed Poppy a cheese-stained drawing of a horse.

"Do you wuv us again?" Peppily asked.

Poppy sighed. "I've told you two. Even if I have to scold you, I still love you."

She nudged Perry.

"We both do." Perry said. "Just quit vandalizing the house, and we'll love you even more."

Poppy glared at him.

"That was just a joke." Perry said quickly. "But seriously. Stop acting like monkeys."

"SPECIES DISCRIMINATION!" Palmer shouted.

Perry rolled his eyes.

"Never mind the cleanup." Poppy said. "Go and take a bath. I'll take care of it."

"We can play pirates!" Palmer and his siblings ran down the hall, making cheese footprints. "YAY!"

Poppy got out a paper towel and started wiping off the table.

"Need help?" Perry asked.

"No. I've got it. Don't worry." Poppy said.

"Sorry about the cheese."

"Not your fault."

"Not my fault? I should have KNOWN when I gave it to them."

"I'll take care of it. Thanks for coming by again."

"I hope I'll keep being able to."  
Poppy stared at him. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. I'll see you later."

* * *

When Perry entered the groomer's, Sideblow was standing on a chair, trying to hang a photograph of a kangaroo on the wall.

Perry cleared his throat.

Sideblow turned. "Oh, hello, pumpkin. Hand me that tape, please."

Perry handed him the tape. Sideblow used it to stick the photo on the wall. "There we go. That's perfect. Thank you." He got down. "So, are you ready?"

Perry shrugged after a moment.

"It's okay, pumpkin. Don't be shy." Sideblow led him over to a chair. "Just sit down there. I'll get my assistant."

Perry sat down and stared at the floor.

"Gustav?" Sideblow called. "Where'd you disappear to?"

Gustav came into the room. "Yes, yes. Gustav is here. What do you need?"

"Our two-thirty is here."

Gustav eyed Perry. "Oh yes. That. And what is it we are working on again?"

"Anything that needs to be fixed."

Gustav sighed. "I had better call my wife and tell her I am going to be late for dinner, then."

"I'll run the water." Sideblow said. "Would you mind taking a look at him and making a list of what we need to do?"

"It will be a very long list." Gustav warned.

"Don't tease." Sideblow went into another room.

Gustav inspected Perry, writing constantly on a tiny notepad. Every so often he sighed.

"Do you have lung problems?" Perry asked.

"Do not make noise." Gustav chided. "You will interrupt my train of thought."

"Bet that train has a lot of trouble getting to the station." Perry muttered.

"Even though I am a genius professional and perfectionist, I cannot work miracles." Gustav said. "So let's try for ALMOST perfect, shall we?"

"Insult me all you like. I can insult YOU without you knowing it."

Sideblow came back into the room. "Almost done, Gustav?"

"Maybe, maybe… just checking to see if there is anything I have overlooked… All great art begins with attention to details."

"Maybe you should take up painting." Perry advised.

Gustav sniffed Perry and cringed. "And a bath. He smells."

"Well, that is what we usually start with." Sideblow picked Perry up and carried him into the other room. Gustav followed, still frowning.

"He's got water-tight fur, so we'll need the Oceantastic brand shampoo." Sideblow said, placing Perry in a tub full of warm water.

Gustav handed him the bottle. Sideblow squirted a little bit of the shampoo onto his palm and started rubbing it into Perry's fur.

"You may need more than that." Gustav said. "We might also need some heavy-duty dishwashing detergent to get rid of that stink."

"Say one more word, and I pour dish detergent in your nose." Perry chattered.

"You'd be surprised at how well this stuff works." Sideblow said. "You only need to lather and rinse twice to get the dirt off."

"Twice." Gustav sniffed. "Twice is what happens when once doesn't work."

* * *

Perry kind of wished Sideblow didn't trust Gustav as much as he did. Sideblow had done a little work on Perry, but the rest he left to Gustav.

Gustav insulted Perry repeatedly as he worked. Perry had stopped trying to think up comebacks and just decided to ignore him.

Gustav was looking at different spray bottles. Sideblow was standing next to Perry's chair. He said he was supervising to make sure Gustav didn't accidentally dye Perry yellow or something. Perry was pretty sure that Sideblow wasn't kidding.

Gustav handed a green bottle and a purple bottle to Sideblow for approval.

Sideblow opened them up and sniffed them. He gave Gustav the green bottle and put the purple one back.

Perry looked at him.

"Perfume." Sideblow explained. "It won't last too long, pumpkin, so don't worry. It will just help keep you smelling fresher."

Perry picked up a clear-colored bottle and looked at it. "Eew da toilet?! They actually named a perfume that?"

"Ah!" Gustav took the bottle from him. "Eau de toilette!"

"No, our bathrooms were just cleaned last week." Sideblow said.

"No. It is the name of the perfume. It would be called Toilet Water in English." He gave Perry a questioning glance. "Try a spritz?"

Perry shook his head quickly.

"Samuel?" Gustav handed it to Sideblow. "Would you like to try it?"

"Um, I'll pass. But thank you." Sideblow put the bottle back.

* * *

"I suppose he's all done." Sideblow said, putting away the comb he had used.

"Goodness, did I do that?" Gustav gasped. "I can work miracles, I told you. No, no thanks is needed. I have planned this all along. My genius shines through all of my work." He picked up his bag and left.

"You look fantastic, pumpkin." Sideblow handed Perry a mirror. "Truly amazing."

Perry stared at his reflection, then back at Sideblow.

"You aren't happy, are you?" Sideblow asked.

Perry didn't know what to say. He gave a little shrug and looked at the tile.

"You can tell me."

Perry hesitated, then shook his head.

"It's fine, pumpkin. I understand. You don't feel like it's you. You don't like to see yourself in that way. Usually when I groom animals, I make them look like cleaner versions of themselves. In this case, I had to give everything a small change so that it would all balance out. That's the way beauty competitions are. Human judges like to see everything clean, balanced and, in some ways, cute."

Perry nodded.

"The effect will wear off in a couple of weeks, as you run around and roll in grass." Sideblow said. "Your color will darken to normal, and your fur will grow out. Don't worry." He smiled. "I think you will probably win that contest, pumpkin."

Perry handed him the mirror and gave him a small smile.

* * *

Perry tapped Pinky the Chihuahua on the shoulder. "How do I look?"

Pinky didn't look up from the video game he was playing. "Okay."

"Okay? I was in there for three whole hours being scrubbed, plucked, brushed and trimmed, and you think I look OKAY?"

"Hm? Oh, sorry Perry. I wasn't really listening. I'm playing with Devon on the internet. Hang on." Pinky paused the game and looked up. "What were you sayi- WOAH."

Pinky froze.

"It's not that different." Perry muttered. At least, he _hoped_ it wasn't.

"No, it's not, but you're radiant. Holy cow, you look amazing! How did you do that?"

"Sideblow and Gustav."

"I've heard Gustav's a real pill, but WOW. You. Look. Awesome."

"Stop staring at me!"

"Sorry." Pinky blinked. "Did you have a sudden urge to get a new look, or is there some plan to this?"

"You have to promise not to laugh."  
"Promise."

"I've entered a beauty competition."

Pinky burst into laughter.

"You'd better be practicing your hyena impressions, because if you're laughing at what I just said when you PROMISED not to-"

Pinky abruptly stopped laughing. "Wait, you're serious?"

"Yeah. The boys needed money, so… it was the only opportunity we had."

"Wow." Pinky said. "You really WILL do anything for them."

Perry nodded. "If being in a contest I have mocked constantly every time I saw it on television and tolerating Gustav for three hours is what I have to do to help those two out, I'll do it."

"Man." Pinky said. "I'M not even that loyal to Isabella. And I'm a dog! You're a sweet platypus, Perry."  
Perry sighed. "I feel weird. Like I'm in someone else's body. And I hate looking in the mirror. It doesn't look like me. Just kind of. Sideblow says I'll go back to normal, but... I kind of wish I'd just go back to normal now."

"No offense, but I kind of prefer the scent you have now to the one you used to give off."  
Perry scowled. "Just because you say 'No offense', that doesn't guarantee I'm not going to take offense."

"Sorry." Pinky said.


	4. Chapter 4

Perry crawled through the pet flap and ambled into the living room. Phineas and Ferb were messing with the television remote.

"Look at that. Maybe we could use that button there and build a…"

"Nope."

"Aw."

Perry felt bad for them. They were desperate for materials.

He jumped into Ferb's lap. Phineas turned to smile at him, but suddenly froze, staring.

"What..." Phineas said.

"I got groomed today." Perry said. "To boost our winning chances."

Phineas nodded and bit his lip. "Yeah. Okay." He turned to look at the television, which wasn't even on.

"You don't think it looks good?" Perry asked.

"It looks fine, Perry." Phineas said quickly. "It's just different. That's all."

"I'll go back to normal in time." Perry said. "But normal doesn't win in the harsh, unforgiving world of beauty contests."

Phineas smiled, but he seemed to have tears forming in his eyes. "Thanks, Perry. I bet we'll win. Thanks for helping us out."

"I always will help you out, buddy."

"Want to watch a movie with us?"

"I may sleep through it. I'm exhausted."

"It's only seven o' clock."

"I worked in the morning, got back, was messed with for three hours and then had to walk home. I'm completely worn out. Do you know how many different things they put on my face? At least eighty-two different cleansers and five facials."

"_Why?"_ Phineas asked. He still wouldn't look at Perry. "No one can see your skin. What's the point?"  
Perry shrugged. "I have no idea. And Doof's teddybearinator… It was so hard to explode the thing. I tripped on his rug and fell on the self-destruct button. On my face." He curled up in Ferb's lap and gave a little satisfied sigh.

Phineas turned the television on and stroked Perry with one hand.

* * *

"Walk to the right."

Perry turned to the right. "How many steps?"

"Um, four. STOP! You'll crash."

Perry didn't really like the walking-in-pitch-darkness training. It was supposed to train an animal who didn't have night vision to follow directions given by an animal WITH night vision.

But Otis the owl was only just learning how to give good direction. And he didn't always take the training seriously.

"Okay, now reach out and give the object you touch a hug."

Perry obeyed.

"Hey, let go of me!" Carrie the cat shrieked.

Otis laughed.

Perry sighed. He hated not being able to see. It made him feel so vulnerable.

"How much longer until we turn the lights back on?"

Otis was silent for a moment, probably looking at his watch. "We have fifteen minutes left. But we'll be done if you find the chair before then."

"Dang."

"Okay, now turn around and start walking… uh… about ten paces."

Perry did and crashed into what felt like a table.

"Oops, sorry. I meant nine paces. My bad. Okay… um… I guess feel your way along that desk and… DON'T KNOCK THAT GLASS OVER… Uh… keep going… CARRIE! Don't lead Peter there, I'm trying to make Perry go there!"  
"Why can't they both go there?" Carrie asked.

"Because they'll crash! Okay, follow the sound of my voice. The chair's right here. Follow the sound of my voice."

Perry could have sworn he was doing just that, but he couldn't find the chair."  
"Follow my voice." Otis said.

"Otis!" Carrie said. "Quit picking up the chair and moving it around! You'll confuse him!"

Otis laughed nervously.

Perry jumped on him and started punching him.

"Ow! Ow! Don't assult your guide!"

"Some guide!"

"The chair's right behind me. Stop hitting me! Ow!"

Perry used Otis's face as a stepstool to get on the chair. "Found it. We're done."

"…And sit down." Carrie was saying.

Perry felt a fluffy object sit on him.

"Hello, Peter. Did Carrie help you find the chair?" Perry asked sweetly.

"Yes, yes she did."

* * *

"I'm worn out." Perry rolled over in his pet bed. "I want someone to pet my tummy."

"We're working on a blueprint." Phineas said.

"Blueprints aren't as important as my tummy."  
"I don't really know how to respond to that." Phineas said.

"My tummy is fluffy. And soft. It wants to be pet. It is BEGGING you to pet it. Look, it practically has big puppy eyes going PET ME. PET ME."

"That's a disturbing thought." Phineas said.

Ferb came over to Perry and started rubbing his tummy. "Touch it, Phineas. It's much softer now."

Perry purred.

"Cute. But I'm trying to figure out how to size everything on this blueprint."

Perry aimed his eyes at Phineas, making them as big as he could.

"Fine." Phineas sighed. "The cute overshadows the blueprint." He went to join his brother.


	5. Chapter 5

"I wish you hadn't dragged me here." Perry said.

"You have to be here." Pinky said. "I mean, this whole debate is centered on you. It wouldn't make any sense for you not to go."

"It makes perfect sense. I don't want to be around when Ernest and Randy start fighting over whether I'm a good parent or not. It's kind of annoying, having it be a debate. I just didn't want Ernest taking me into court. Why does he care, anyway?"

"Well, you can always leave."

"I might do just that." Perry set a bag of popcorn in his lap and started eating.

"You brought POPCORN to this thing?"

"Mm hmm. And I'll probably put it in my memory box. My first time eating popcorn at a debate."

"Silence!" Brandon the bulldog shouted from the stage. "The debate is about to begin. The topic is, 'Does the absence of a certain parent determine a certain child's behavior?' The voting will be done by a highly-trained security agent who will vote based on argument strength. Please refrain from flash photography or interfering with the debate. Thank you. Ernest the eagle and Randolph the reindeer, you may begin."

"His name is Randolph?" Pinky asked.

"He's famous. He's in that song. Run run Rudolph… I don't blame Rudolph for running from Randolph. That security agent is intimidating. I wonder if he and Rudolph are related."

"Shh." Pinky said.

Ernest fluffed his feathers and began reading from a paper. "Many security agents have noticed that the behavior of Palmer Vantier-Flynn-Fletcher is rebellious. The child has been seen defacing the walls of the agency, crashing a police car, destroying electrical wires…"

"Don't list EVERY SINGLE THING the kid's done." Perry muttered. "It's only an hour-long debate."

"…And at a young age has already been put on police file. Every time this child does something wrong, his father pays off the damages and sends him on his merry way."

"And off Palmer goes, frolicking into unicorn land." Perry whispered to Pinky.

"Perry bails Palmer out and sends money to provide for him and his siblings." Randy said.

"But is that enough? Is the child wanting more? When you think of the possible causes of behavior-"

"You can conclude that perhaps that is Palmer's way." Randy said. "Children develop their own personalities."

"Their personalities are usually based on those of their parents." Ernest said.

"Then is it wise to blame the father when he's hardly been in Palmer's life? I think if anyone should take the blame, it's the mother."

"Wait a sec!" Perry stood up. "Don't bring Poppy into this!"

"SILENCE!" Brandon yelled.

Perry sat down, glowering.

"The father can't just be a shadow figure." Ernest said. "He needs to be there or he needs to leave the children alone."

"That would be a good argument if we were talking about anyone other than Perry. But Perry is a good creature. He has always been there for agents in battle and tries his best to keep everyone happy. He thinks things through. He-"

"He always thinks things through." Ernest repeated. "I don't think so. Palmer's birth was not planned."

A few people in the audience turned and looked at Perry.

"Oh, you guys want some?" Perry held out his bag. "I have to warn you, though, it's kind of over-buttered."

"You can't punish an animal for responding to an instinct." Randy said.

"Instinct? They need to get on another topic. This one's slightly disturbing." Perry said.

"If a father does not want to be a part of his children's life full-time, he should not be able to see the children."

"You say the children are reacting to their father not being around. Wouldn't taking him away from them worsen the problem?"

Ernest didn't respond for a moment. Then he said, "At first, yes. But eventually the children will grow accustomed to the lifestyle and their behavior will improve."

"Is it fair to take a loved one away?" Randy asked. "The children love their father. And he cares about them. You can show Perry two crayon scribbles and he'll be able to tell which scribble belongs to which child-" Randy's phone buzzed. He pulled it out and glanced at the screen. "Oh dear. I'm sorry, I have to leave."

"You realize that leaving in the middle of a debate weakens your argument." Ernest said.

Perry tossed his popcorn aside and ran down to the stage. He climbed up. "Hold up, Randy! You can't just go!"

"Is this a play or a debate?" The rhino judge asked.

"There's a gang taking over downtown." Randy said. He placed his fedora on his head. "I need to get down there."

"Get someone else to go! We can't lose this!"

"Perry, you're a good agent. And I'll help you out where I can. But I need to go."

"Please." Perry felt his voice shake. "I can't lose my children."

No one said anything.

Randy handed Perry a tissue. Perry hid his face in it. He wasn't going to cry. Not in front of all these people.

"I'll be back soon." Randy said quietly. He got down from the stage and ran for the exit.

The rhino judge looked from Perry to Ernest. He wrote something down on a piece of paper and handed it to Brandon.

"We'll announce the results to the participants only." Brandon said. "Thank you for joining us."

The animal agents all disbanded from their seats. Pinky got on the stage and patted Perry on the back. "You okay?"  
Perry took a deep breath. "I'll be fine."

Brandon came up to Perry. "The judge says that he did not realize how important his vote was until you came onstage. He doesn't believe he can vote based on argument strength. He voted on the issue itself."

Perry nodded. "I understand." He didn't like the look Brandon was giving him.

"Randolph won." Brandon said. "You may continue seeing your children as often as you like."  
Perry smiled. He hugged Brandon.

"Respect." Brandon said. But Perry kept hugging him. He felt a whole lot better now.

* * *

"How'd you do it, Phineas?" Candace asked.

"Do what?" Phineas and Ferb were playing against each other on a new video game. Perry was watching them from the couch, and Candace was sitting next to him.

"Perry looks so cute now." Candace said.

"Yeah, kinda." Phineas mumbled. He shot down an enemy in the game.

"Did you take him to the groomers?"

"No. Aw Ferb, you're totally killing me here. Go easy!"

"I AM going easy." Ferb said. "You just keep getting in front of the people I'm trying to shoot."

"HA! How'd ya like that? Now you only have one digit left in your health bar- WHAT?"

"Ferbster93 wins." The game system said. "Phinboy2 loses."

"Agh! I never win!" Phineas slammed the controller against his head.

"Phinboy2 loses. Phinboy2 loses. Phinboy2 loses." The game system repeated.

"Then how did you do it?" Candace asked.

"He just looks a little different, okay?" Phineas snapped. "It shouldn't be such a big deal."

"Then why are you so grumpy about it?" Candace demanded.

"Phinboy2 loses. Phinboy2 loses."

"Oh, shut up!" Phineas told the game.

Ferb pressed a button, and the game went back to the main menu.

Candace gave Perry a little pat on the back and left the room.

"It's okay, Phineas." Perry said. "I'm not very good at those kinds of games either."

"I'm not upset because of the game." Phineas muttered.

"I know. I'll look like my normal old self in a couple of weeks. I don't really like this myself. I feel too fluffy. Seriously, the only reason I did it was because I wanted to help you."

"You're really cute right now, but you just don't look like you. They ruined you." Phineas said, tears starting to come into his eyes again. "If anything… you know, ever comes around again, I just want to give you a bath myself. I don't want all the fancy stuff. Okay?"

"Sure thing, Phinboy2."

Phineas sniffled a little handed him the controller. "You want to try?"

"Sure."

"Good luck." Phineas said. "Ferb's a master. Here, this is where you enter your game name."

Perry pushed a few buttons.

"Registered player Squishaliciousworms." The game system said.

"Ew." Phineas said.

"Squishaliciousworms against Ferbster93!" The game system said. "GO!"

Perry was pretty good with the game. It was an aiming-and-shooting airplane game, and Perry had enough real-life experience to help him out. But Ferb was really good.

"Ferbster93 wins." The game said. "Squishaliciousworms loses. Squishaliciousworms loses. Squishaliciousworms loses."

Ferb looked a little grossed out. He pressed the menu button.

"Woah there, Ferb!" Perry said. "It wasn't done telling me that I lost!"

"Oh, yes it was." Phineas said.

"Did you tell him about the bandana yet?" Ferb asked.

Phineas shook his head. "I thought you were gonna tell him."

Perry sighed. "What's the bandana all about?"

"Well, the beauty contest's tomorrow, and although you are really cute… most pets wear something cute when they compete. So we dug up one of your cute little bandanas from the groomer."

"Please tell me it isn't the one with the cute little teddy bears on it." Perry groaned.

"No, it's the one with the cute little rubber ducks." Ferb said.

"You only have to wear it for the competition." Phineas said. "Then you can take it off."

Perry rolled his eyes. "Fine. Just so long as it's NOT the teddy bear one."

* * *

Perry was happy Phineas was holding him. He didn't like the way the other show dogs were glaring at him.

The contest had gone pretty well so far. The man had asked Phineas some questions (He'd asked Ferb at first, but Ferb wasn't proving very chatty) and watched Perry do a trick (Playing dead). Now it was almost time to announce the winners.

Perry was pretty sure Kenzie the poodle and Zabelle the Persian cat were whispering to each other about him. Kenzie had practically burst into laughter when Phineas and Ferb brought Perry onstage.

"They're idiots if they think that block of fur is going to win." She had said to Zabelle.

"This block of fur can punch." Perry had responded. "So I'd keep that mouth shut or I'll put it on upside down."

Kenzie hadn't said anything directly to his face after that. But she kept giving him mean looks.

Perry looked out into the audience. He noticed Sideblow and Gustav were sitting near the front.

Sideblow smiled and gave him a thumbs-up. Gustav was looking at a fashion magazine. He didn't look particularly excited to be there.

"Each and every one of these pets is special in their own way." The announcer was saying. "But we aren't judging on personality or intelligence."

"If they were judging intelligence, none of these purebreds would win." Perry whispered to Phineas.

Phineas smiled.

"We're judging on the appearance of the animals." The announcer said. "Animals are all unique and beautiful creatures, but these guys all stand out from the rest. So, without further ado, we shall now announce the winner. Maxine, the ballot, please?"

A girl with pretty blond hair handed the announcer a piece of paper.

"Thank you, Maxine. And the winner is…"


	6. Chapter 6

"Wow. The ballot's stuck." The announcer said. "I think I was making a jelly sandwich before… maybe some of the jelly got on the paper they wrote down the winner on. Hang on, it's coming loose… yeah… there we go, almost open… I can't see the name yet, hold on…" With a dramatic flourish, the announcer flipped open the ballot. "And the winner is, PEACHES AND ORANGES!"

Perry looked at the other animals. They all looked equally confused.

"Op. Sorry. That's my grocery list." The announcer said. "Now I know where the jelly came from. Maxine, please find the ballot."  
Maxine trotted offstage and returned moments later with a piece of paper. She handed it to the announcer.

"And the winner is…" The announcer tore open the ballot, accidentally ripping it in half. "Oh no. I can't possibly read it now. Maxine, please prepare another."

"If they were judging on intelligence, and this guy was in the competition, he'd be disqualified." Perry muttered.

Maxine handed the announcer a new ballot.

"And the winner is… KENZIE THE POODLE! Congratulations! Kenzie's owner, Madeline Kandy, receives the grand prize of one hundred and thirty dollars!"

The audience cheered. Madeline Kandy looked elated. "Oh my gosh. Thank you. Thank you so, so much! Now I can finally buy that new phone!"

Ferb shrugged. Phineas didn't look too upset. "Oh well. I guess we'll just have to wait until next month before we can build something."  
Sideblow shook his head sadly. Gustav said something to him that looked like "Inevitable".

"I'm sorry." Perry said. "I guess I just can't compete with a poodle."

Phineas gave him a hug. "We don't care that we lost. The fact that you competed even though you didn't want to means a lot to us. You're an awesome pet, and you SHOULD have won."

"And the hundred-dollar prize goes to Phineas Flynn and Ferb Fletcher!" The announcer said.

Ferb looked up from his previous activity of drumming on his chest. "Huh?"

"What?" Phineas asked.

"You two are obviously very loving towards your pet. He seems very comfortable and happy with you." The announcer explained. "We love to see that kind of relationship between owner and pet. Which is why we created the second award that you have just received." The announcer handed Phineas a bunch of dollar bills. "Congratulations!"

The audience cheered.

"You're short thirty dollars." Perry said. "Is that okay?"

Phineas grinned. "Heck, yeah! We only needed about ten more than this!" He gave Perry a hug. "Thank you, boy. Thanks so much."

* * *

Perry was watching the sky when Pinky the Chihuahua came into the backyard.

"What are you looking at?" Pinky asked.

Perry pointed at the sky. "Flying swimming pool. They were able to build it."

"Cool!" Pinky said. "So, the competition went good, then?"

"Guess who won." Perry said.

"You?" Pinky squealed.

Perry spread his arms out wide. "A POODLE!"

"OH MY GOSH!" Pinky began jumping around. "YOU DI- Wait. You didn't win?"  
Perry shook his head. "We won something else, though. And now they have their pool. Which is enough of a win for me." He rolled around in the grass.

Pinky frowned. "You're ruining your look."

"Yep. And in a couple of days, I should be back to normal. Everything will be back to normal." He smiled and nudged Pinky playfully in the side.

Pinky shoved him. Perry shoved him back. They started to play-fight.

"Pinky!" Isabella said, appearing out of nowhere. "Bad dog!" She pulled Pinky off of Perry.

Phineas picked Perry up. "Good thing we had our parachutes. It's funny how the swimming pool just disintegrated."


End file.
